stjnky's Xanga

Am I a bad person? Is this wrong?

Wed, 16 Sep 2009 21:58:58 GMT

Jessica Simpson's dog snatched by coyote

Let's see, that's about an 8 lb. dog, right? Genetic hybrid of breeds chosen to emphasize "cuteness" at the expense of other more beneficial survival traits? Probably spent most of its life being carried around in a designer tote almost as expensive as the dog itself?

"Snatched" by a coyote.

"Uh, yeah, I think I may have seen your dog downtown yesterday. Her head was shaved, and she was handing out pro-coyote pamphlets."

Bonus SXSW09 Anecdote

Mon, 23 Mar 2009 17:34:30 GMT

Saturday morning, leaving the hotel room and headed for the elevators.

"Do people still say 'badonkadonk?'"

"What?"

"Like, 'badonkadonk butt?'"

"I don't know."

We get in the elevator, and another couple of guys hurry in behind us. They slap hands and fistbump each other. One is wearing sunglasses.

"Whew," he says, "we made it to the end, didn't we? Man I am exhausted! I had a Candian festival all last week and then came straight to this. And man, can you believe these Texas women?"

Yeah, hoowee, you said it, right on.

He continues, "And they're everywhere, and they're so f*cking HOT!"

Yup, we agree. He continues.

"And they just come right up to you and literally throw themselves at you! Seriously, they just come right up to you and say, 'f*ck me.'"

Yeah, tell me about it.

He looks at me and says, "Hey, you look like a reader, have a bookmark. Here's one for you too, you both look like readers."

Thanks. We're at the lobby, and he and his friend say goodbye and hurry out ahead of us.

We look at our bookmarks.

"Do people still say 'douchenozzle?'"

SXSW Music Fest 2009 Recap

Mon, 23 Mar 2009 07:04:43 GMT

Another year, and another successful SXSW fest under my expanding belt. Once again, my friend Jay and I purchased all-access badges that made us look indistinguishable from music industry bigwigs. We mingled with celebrities, or at least near them. We were lavished with luxurious "swag bags" full of swanky promotional items, including FREE CONDOMS, which is nice because now I can throw out the ones from last year's festival. We drank FREE SANGRIA and ate FREE ENERGY BARS. We chewed FREE GUM. We plugged our ears with FREE EARPLUGS. It was awesome.

On to the obligatory recap:

Wed 3/18

Hilary York @ The Ginger Man - We traditionally start our festival each year with a trip to the Ginger Man. Last year we learned that the pub was going to be demolished soon to make way for condos, so we were pleasantly surprised to find that it hadn't happened yet. In fact, the pub would be closing after THIS weekend, and reopening in another building less than a block away some time next week. Now, in all honesty, we didn't *intend* to see Hilary York at this time and place, it was just the gentle Hand of God making it so. Hilary used to work at this pub as a bartender circa 2001 when Jay and I were first setting the tradition, and in subsequent years she would remember us and greet us warmly, and in even more subsequent years she would be playing a set somewhere and we would make a point to go see her. This time around I had her on my list, but it was an early show on Wednesday that we had already missed, as we were still in Houston eating lunch at that time. So it was a very nice surprise to find that she was just starting a set on the Ginger Man patio as we arrived. How bout that gentle Hand of God, eh? (my pix)

Ladyhawke @ Stubbs - Hmm. I'm hearing a lot of 80s synthesizers here. I guess maybe it's cooler if you didn't live through it during the actual 80s. (my pix)

Heartless Bastards @ Stubbs - Holly Hunter infused with equal parts spirits of Melissa Etheridge and Patti Smith. (my pix)

Avett Brothers @ Stubbs - I kinda liked them. Kinda country, kinda punk. Kinda like an Appalachian Pogues. (my pix)

The Decemberists @ Stubbs - I'm a late fan of the Decemberists. Basically I "discovered" them with their last album, The Crane Wife, which I loved, suffice it to say. And I saw them on the Austin City Limits tv show so I knew that they could put on a great live performance. And I had heard that they were going to be performing their not-yet-released new album, nay, ROCK OPERA, in its entirety at this performance. So I designated this as my one pre-determined "must-see" performance of this year's festival. Did it live up to my expectations? Eh... okay, so technically it was an excellent performance, but it was all unfamiliar material to me, and only once or twice did I find myself really getting into the zone. The band didn't really interact with the audience, probably because they were performing a long-form work of art as opposed to a set list. The new vocalists seemed to be having fun. The blonde girl reminded me of a young, idealistic Hillary Clinton circa the flower-power era, you know, before Bill got his paws all over her. (my pix)

Thu 3/19

Dananananaykroyd @ Dirty Dog Bar - This band wasn't on my radar until a friend o' mine mentioned that this was a band she was going to try to see. Said friend was in town for the Wed-Thu portion of SXSW, and though many text messages were pingponged, we didn't actually manage to meet up. BUT! It did result in me seeing this band, which was playing an early day show to a mostly empty venue. And they were frenetic and fun and bouncy, and they have a really cute bassist. They have a couple of vocalists and a couple of drummers, and they have a really cute bassist. And band members leave the stage and jam with the fans, and hug the fans. And they have a really cute bassist. They put on such a good performance to such a small crowd, they were already a contender for the coveted Jim Porter "Best of the Fest" award before we even had a chance to see them work a real crowd at an official showcase, which we vowed we would do on Friday. (my pix)

Music of Spain @ Brush Square park - Okay, so last year we went to this Spanish music day party and discovered a contender for last year's "Best of the Fest" award, a band called We Are Standard. This year? Well, there was still the FREE SANGRIA. And Jay was doing pretty well for himself chatting up a cute girl there too, until her mother showed up. Her mom was pretty cool, though. (my pix)

Airborne Toxic Event @ Bat Bar, Convention Center - I really want to like this band. In fact, I think I "iLiked" them on Facebook recently. I'll have to undo that. They've got the "passion" part down. Jay said, "Ah, it's The Killers." I was leaning more towards Arcade Fire. I don't mind influences occasionally bleeding through into imitation, but the lyrics really pushed me too far. "We were only seventeen, We were holding back our screams," and "I was only twenty one, I wasn't having any fun." God dammit these cliches are coming to fast. Let's get out of here and go see the Meat Puppets and Gomez at Stubbs. (no pix, thanks to anti-camera nazis out in force)

Meat Puppets @ Stubbs - I admit I was never into the Meat Puppets. I was familiar with the name and I know they hold a place of honor in the history of punk or thrash or one of those other genres that never got played on the radio. So I figured I'd go pay my respects, and go with an open mind, and at the very least I'd be there early for Gomez, a band I *do* know and like that was slated to go on next. Stubbs wasn't full, but there was enough of a crowd that we were back far enough, and if there was a Sphere of Influence I don't think it reached back as far as we were. Plus, to me they seemed rather *tame* for a hardcore punk band. Maybe it's because they're older than me, I dunno. Jay indicated that the Meat Puppets weren't doing anything for him either, so we consulted the schedule and considered our options. We could stick it out here and see Gomez, but, ya know, I've seen them before, and they do kinda seem to be trending toward Dave Matthews territory in recent years. OR! HEY! There's the Sam Roberts Band playing a gig over yonder (another band that I want to see that *isn't* trending toward Dave Matthews territory), and that would still leave us equidistant to this venue where Dan le Sac Vs Scroobius Pip is playing later (an act that Jay wants to see). So, we bail. (my pix)

Sam Roberts Band @ Cedar Street Courtyard - Okay, this is possibly the worst venue for official SXSW showcases. It's a courtyard wedged between two buildings. It fills up quickly. The stage isn't exactly elevated. And Sam Roberts is, well, kinda short. We did manage to work our way into one of the side buildings and find a fishbowl window view to the side of the stage, and it looked like he was putting on a pretty good show, but the sound wasn't very good from where we were. I enjoyed it, but I don't think Jay got a very good introductory Sam Roberts Band experience. (no pix. I have some, but they're all crap)

Ebony Bones @ Aces Lounge - We have now arrived at the venue where Dan le Sac Vs Scroobius Pip is scheduled to play at 11pm. It's about 10:30pm. It appears that this showcase is running behind schedule, as the 9pm band, Vivian Girls, just finished up as we arrived. We take advantage of the fan turnover to situate ourselves in a primo front-row balcony spot. Who's on next? What boring act do we have to wait through before we get to see Scroobius Pip? The schedule says Ebony Bones. Never heard of them. The band is taking the stage now...

Huh. This is interesting...

What are those, Oompa Loompas?

Holy crap, this is awesome! So it's like, start with Diana Ross and the Supremes, but replace the Supremes with hyperkinetic Oompa Loompas, and infuse it with P-Funk mothership weirdness. This performance wins the coveted Jim Porter "Best of the Fest" award for 2009. And I'm pretty sure it also won the not-unrespectable Jay Lyall "Best of the Fest" award too. I know we both remarked about these strange new feelings of attraction we were feeling for Oompa Loompas. Later Googling would reveal that they were playing another show tomorrow, so that would be marked as a last-minute must-see. (more pix)

~~Dan le Sac Vs Scroobius Pip~~ @ Aces Lounge - WTF? He cancelled? What happened? Who's this "Rye Rye" act? We leave, hoping to catch Easy Star All Stars playing next door.

Kraak & Smaak @ Vice - Well this was a pretty neat little DJ / live band combo thingy. I can't really remember much about them, but that might be because all the thumping bass was shaking up my colon and I realized I probably oughta go back to the hotel and poop pretty quick. Easy Star All Stars, I'm sorry. (my pix)

Fri 3/20

Idle Warship @ Cedar Street Courtyard - Woohoo! Another waycool accidental discovery. Just happened to be passing by the Cedar Street Courtyard at the right time. (my pix)

Gomez @ La Zona Rosa - I got to see part of their set at the Village Voice day party. Pretty damn good, and not too Dave Matthewsy after all! (my pix)

We Were Promised Jetpacks @ La Zona Rosa - Settling in for a showcase of Scottish bands at La Zona Rosa. This was a good, impassioned performance by a band that seemed to be awed by the fact that they were playing to a large crowd at a SXSW showcase. They got some charm and some chops. I'll keep my eyes open for them in the future. (my pix)

Dananananaykroyd @ La Zona Rosa - Woowoo! They can work a big crowd too. This might've been the Best of the Fest, if not for those meddling Ebony Bones kids.

Bedouin Soundclash @ Cedar Street Courtyard - Might've been pretty good, but damned if they weren't in that damned cramped Cedar Street Courtyard. Dammit. (my pix)

~~DEVO~~ @ Austin Music Hall - Tried to go see them, but the showcase was running late, so we opted to bail and take our chances elsewhere. (my pix)

BM Linx @ Vice - They look like Foghat. I initially thought they sounded pretty classic rockish, but after listening to the Myspace streaming, I may have just been projecting. But they were pretty damned good. And seriously, in a cage match, I think they'd kick Foghat's ass. (my pix)

The Willowz @ The Parish Downstairs - I saw em' a couple of years ago and liked them, so I figured I'd check in and make sure they're still doing okay. They are. Oh and they have a cute bass player too. The rest of the band kinda looks like Foghat though. (my pix)

Sam Roberts Band @ El Sol y La Luna - Ah! Now I've got a front-row spot at a good venue! And this was a definite contender for Best of the Fest. The only thing he was missing was an Oompa Loompa or two. (my pix)

Sat 3/21

Ebony Bones @ Peckerheads - This was a day party for Rolling Stone magazine. Another excellent performance, although it was plagued by bad sound problems. Fortunately there was still plenty of frenetic Oompa Loompa goodness!

Quote of the Fest from Jay: "I think the Oompa Loompa with the purple hair is the one I'd most like to doompity-do."

Zillionaire @ Ginger Man - Okay, we're back at the G-man for our final beers before they close it down. I don't remember anything about the band, as I was too distraught. I did mange to get my picture taken with other heartbroken patrons though, mostly because I was wearing the right shirt at the right time.

Farewell, sweet, sweet pub. And here's hoping the new location gets a cool vibe quickly.

The Whip @ La Zona Rosa - Jay's got a "must-see" performance, The Crystal Method, at La Zona Rosa later tonight, and because our legs are now battered and bruised from the week, we decide we'll pretty much just camp out at La Zona Rosa for the entire showcase. Jay also says The Whip is a pretty cool band. And now, I concur. This was a DJ / band, dance music thing. Very tight, very energetic performance. I'm not a dancer, but I was bobbing. And the band has a cute drummer. (my pix)

Dieselboy @ La Zona Rosa - Just a DJ. (my pix)

Kaskade @ La Zona Rosa - Just another DJ. (my pix)

The Crystal Method @ La Zona Rosa - Two more DJs. But hey at least I like they stuff they're twiddling a little more. Okay, don't get me wrong, I realize that it's an art and a skill and all, but for me it doesn't really make for a visually compelling performance. Did I mention I don't dance? (my pix)

Ra Ra Riot @ The Parish - I really like 50% of their new album a lot. And the other 50% sounds like bad 80s synth rock. So I went to this performance for the first 50%, and was not at all disappointed. Plus, they have cute girls playing stringed instruments. (my pix)

Bobby Bare Jr. @ Maggie Mae's Gibson Room - Only caught the last song on my way back to the hotel after technically already having called it a night. But the last song was an acoustic cover of the Pixies "Where Is My Mind" so it's definitely worth mentioning. (my pix)

The Letter U and the Numeral 2

Tue, 03 Mar 2009 20:28:10 GMT

I don't know if the album is any good or not (I've been seeing mixed reviews), but Amazon's MP3 store has U2's new album available for download for $3.99. And for that price, you should probably buy two.

Facebook Ads

Wed, 25 Feb 2009 03:47:50 GMT

Yeah, I've been doin' the facebook lately.

And I must say that the ads they run in the sidebar are really pretty obnoxious. Facebook ad scams have been in the news quite a bit lately, but the ads in question are still showing up, and it doesn't matter how many times you click on the "thumbs down" icon and report them as "misleading", they keep showing up.

It makes me appreciate Xanga a little bit more, I guess.

Even if I'm the oldest guy here.

Legacy

Tue, 17 Feb 2009 02:36:53 GMT

Do you know the definition of “forever?” Yeah, we all kind of know it, based on the dictionary definition, but we all have our own sense of forever that overrides that. Individually, “forever” is based on how long we have been alive. How far back can you remember? Well, that’s the dawn of time.

As we get older, our concept of time changes. 10 years is an eternity to a 9-year-old. Not so much to a 40-year-old.

We humans are unique in our ability to know that we are alive and to know that we are eventually going to die. We may not be able to wrap our minds around the whole “dying” thing, but we certainly know that people have been dying throughout the history of mankind, and statistically speaking, we’re probably going to die someday too.

Those of us in the developed world today like to latch onto life expectancy estimates of 70~80 years for the purpose of psychological comfort, but the truth is that no life comes with a warranty. You might smoke and drink and live to be 120, or you might be that underformed eighth octuplet who only lives a couple of days. The truth is, life doesn’t owe you anything, and you don’t owe anything to the world.

Life is nothing more than a brief window of opportunity.

And it’s not even fair. That eighth octuplet wasn’t on a level playing field. But he still managed to touch a couple of lives.

Life is a window of opportunity. I’m an agnostic, so I’m not even accounting for the possible heavenly aspects of an afterlife; I’m just saying that while you are here, alive, with whatever time you have, you have an opportunity to influence the world in a positive way. You don’t have to be Gandhi, or Martin Luther King. You just need to leave more positive impressions than negative ones, and you’ll leave the world a better place.

And that’s a good legacy to leave behind.

Results not typical

Sun, 18 Jan 2009 01:37:46 GMT

I screencapped this web advertisement about a week ago because it was so insultingly bad, and it was omnipresent. Just about every site I visited had this animated example of excessive Photoshopping distracting me and pissing me off. I was going to post some sort of rant about it, but ultimately I got distracted and instead posted an offensive rant against small-town America which I eventually wised up and deleted.

But now... this week, they've updated the ad:

Now I don't know whether to be insulted or creeped out. Maybe it's, like, a Dorian Gray thing?

A really big shoe

Wed, 24 Dec 2008 16:59:34 GMT

Seeing as how none of you cheap bastards have been buying me stuff from my Amazon Wishlist I decided to go ahead and stimulate the economy and buy something for myself. I bought the one item from the list that actually had some utilitarian value -- the elevator shoes. Actually, I bought a pair for myself and a pair for my friend Jay, because each year we go to the South by Southwest music festival, and each year there are always ridiculously tall people blocking the view of the performances.

This has always been a sore spot with me: I'm average height, so shouldn't I be able to see over 50% of the people in front of me? Eventually I realized that while I may be 5' 9", my eyes are actually somewhere down around 5' 5". Also, I suspect that standing-room concert events probably draw more tall people than short, because tall people expect to be able to see, and short people expect that they likely won't. To sum up: average height isn't good enough for the concerts I want to see. I could use a little boost.

Now I hear what you're saying. You're saying, "But Jim, why didn't you just get some Gene Simmons 7-inch platform boots?" Believe me, I considered that. But if some poor average-height shmoe ends up standing right behind me, I don't want to look like a total jerk. No, I want the discretion that comes with elevator shoes, so that it's not immediately obvious that I am, in fact, a total jerk.

My shoes arrived yesterday, and I must say, this is by far the worst idea I have ever come up with.

The first thing I learned is that each shoe weighs about 5 pounds. The insoles are made of lead. I guess if you are wearing elevator shoes you want to be darn sure those lifts don't collapse.

The second thing I learned is that they are essentially the same thing as women's high-heel shoes, disguised as men's shoes. It's not a uniform, level lift, it's mostly just you being forced to stand on tip-toe, without it being so obvious.

The third thing I learned is that I can't really walk very well in high heels.

I called Jay and arranged to meet up at The Stag's Head after work so I could deliver his pair, and I also figured it would be a good opportunity to test-drive my own pair, so I laced 'em up and clomped down to my car.

The fourth thing I learned is that I can't drive in high heels. Dammit, off comes the right shoe.

I arrive at da Head a little bit early, but that's okay because I see another one of my friends at the bar and he's a bit taller than average, so this will be a great opportunity to see if my new height has any impact on how others perceive me. I casually clomp up beside him.

"Hey Jeff."

"Heya Jimbo, merry Christmas!" He stands up straight and shakes my hand, looking me square in the eye, which I notice is now at the same level as his. I shake his hand and stare back, waiting for a reaction, trying not to giggle.

"What's new with you?" I ask, maintaining eye contact. He proceeds to tell me, and I quickly realize he doesn't notice anything out of the ordinary, so finally I just have interrupt and say, "Hey... have you gotten... shorter?"

The fifth thing I learned is that when you point out to people that you are wearing elevator shoes, you're pretty much the designated comic relief for the rest of the evening. "Haha, look at him walk! Hey, Frankenstein!"

Anyway, I've decided that the shoes are much too uncomfortable and cumbersome for the purposes I had intended. There's no way I could possibly clomp around Austin for an entire evening, much less a whole week's worth of music festival. So if you know of any short guys with size 10 feet who might appreciate a free pair of uncomfortable shoes, please let me know.

The Year Without a Santa Claus

Thu, 11 Dec 2008 03:26:04 GMT

It's the Christmas season, and once again I am feeling a little nostalgic for some classic stop-motion animated Christmas specials of my youth. Rudolph, Frosty and the Grinch are the ones that everyone remembers, but my favorite was "The Year Without a Santa Claus." That was the one that had Heat Miser and Snow Miser, with their awesome song-and-dance routines. Whether they were gay or not makes no difference to me, they put on a great show, and I'd like to see it again.

So I did I search via my PC-Tivo rig to see when I could record an upcoming show. There are the following upcoming showtimes on the ABC Family network:

12/11, 7PM central
12/13, 6PM central
12/21, 10AM central
12/21, 10PM central

But my search results also turned up another show which I am not familiar with... Stroker and Hoop, on the Cartoon Network's "Adult Swim" lineup, a cop show parody which has the greatest Christmas episode description I've ever heard: "Stroker is enlisted to find the antidote for a slow-acting poison that is injected into Santa Claus."

GPS, hidden cameras watching over baby Jesus

Wed, 10 Dec 2008 13:38:21 GMT

So far in 2008, Baby Jesus has appeared in several police reports. At First United Methodist Church in Kittanning, Pa., a baby Jesus was stolen and replaced with a pumpkin. In Eureka Springs, Ark., someone who absconded with a plastic baby Jesus from a public display last week also took the concrete block and chain that was supposed to act as a deterrent.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20081210/ap_on_re_us/rel_baby_jesus_and_gps_3